Monday, 6 February 2017

Anxiety.



This post was originally going to be about my favourite winter coats, but I felt the need to write this after having a day of battling with my own mind.



I have been suffering with anxiety for the past year. To be honest, I'm sure I've always suffered with it, but something in me changed a year ago and I became extremely anxious. I have since dealt with a bit of depression which I feel spiralled from the anxiety and I'm glad to say I don't feel that way now, but the anxiety is still well and truly there.

It feels like another Harriet inside my head is constantly telling me I'm not good enough, things aren't going well, I need to be better and things are going to fall apart because well, it's Harriet and she doesn't deserve things to go well. 

I think the thing I'm scared of most is failure. Failure to have the life I dream of. Failure to always succeed in my job. Failure to be the best person I can possibly be. 

Why do I feel like this? Because I'm me. Because I don't believe that I can do any of those things. I believe everyone else can, but I can't. Because I'm me. 

I'm lucky enough to have the will power and motivation to not let it completely get the better of me. I haven't let it stop me getting a great job, smashing it in the gym, or doing this blog, but there are days where I could easily back down and listen to these thoughts. I could easily stay in bed and hide from the world. 

There are days where I could pack up my life here in hectic, stressful London, jump on a plane to a remote part of the world and work as a farmer or something. All I know is I want to lead a happy life, one without the stresses of my own brain. I don't want loads of money, because 9 times out of 10, money comes with a lot of responsibility and stress. I just want an easy, happy life. Can I say that? I'm sure we all want an easy life, and I'm sure there will be people that would say I'm stupid because life isn't easy and no it's not, but I want to be happy, to feel stable, to feel secure and not live a life on the edge, stressed and miserable. Is that too much to ask? 

I feel like I'm the only person on this planet dealing with these thoughts, dealing with these insecurities and anxieties about pretty much every aspect of my life, but I know I'm not. I know there are millions of others going through the same thing every day. 

This post isn't about how to deal with anxiety, because I am far from knowing how to deal with my anxiety and what triggers it, it's a post to say anxiety is a bitch and if you feel this way too then just know you aren't the only one out there and you aren't alone. This is a post to reach out to those who know how it feels to have a full on war with your own mind everyday because my god it's not easy. It's one of the hardest battles I have had to face, and my god am I determined to not let it win. 

Ta for now x 



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